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Jamye Waxman
Renaissance Sexplorer
Jamye Waxman is sexy.
She’s comfortable with herself and she makes others comfortable. As a
sex educator or, as she prefers, “sexplorer,” Jamye hears things people
often don’t share with their closest friends as she assists them with
becoming as comfortable with their sexuality as she is with hers. I met
Jamye years ago when she was a producer for the eYada show and we’ve
been friends ever since. It’s been a blast watching her expand her
career to include almost every facet of adult entertainment—including
on-screen talent! Here she shares her hopes and fears and future plans
with ErosZine readers.
ErosZine: You are an actual educated sex educator. What do you think
are the differences between people who've become educated and those who
are just self-titled sex educators?
Jamye Waxman: I think the biggest difference is the degree. That's the
bottom line. I think a lot of sex comes from experience, and so a lot
of the writers out there are qualified to write about their own
experiences. For me, having the degree provided an extra level of
comfort, so to speak. My classes allowed me to experience a myriad of
sexual perspectives. I know more about particular sexual dysfunctions
and have seen videos that most people would never imagine watching. My
classes allowed me extra insight into the minds of some fantastic sex
therapists and educators and I was told to read textbooks like
Psychological Perspectives on Sex, that I would never had read
otherwise. I think that my degree legitimizes my sex background for a
lot of academics and other people, like my parents.
EZ: What was the most important thing you learned in your classes?
JW: It was not to assume anything about anyone and not to think that
sex educators don't have their own baggage. People who are attracted to
the field of sex are attracted to it for one reason or another and
everybody has their hot buttons. Some people are in the sex field
because they are highly sexual and enjoy sex and others are in it to
overcome some of their own sexual issues. I remember one incident in
particular in one of my classes where a woman got upset with a video we
were watching. It was a pretty graphic video, but not a violent video,
and she stormed out of the room. When she came back she yelled at the
teacher and screamed, "This is disgusting. I would tell a patient who
presented something like this to me that I think they're disgusting."
Since I can't help but open my mouth at any inappropriate moment, I
said something back. I told her how as sex educators it wasn't our job
to judge people negatively about their sexual habits, it was our job to
explore them and help them either work through them or find
alternatives to what they were doing. Some of my class backed me up,
but a majority thought I was rather radical. It taught me that I
couldn't assume anything about anyone, and that everyone has their
limits.
EZ: You've had an interesting employment journey to get where you are
today. Tell us about the jobs you've had and how they've influenced
your current career path.
JW: I started out in radio right after college. I moved to a small town
in Ohio (it's called Bucyrus) and tried to make it as a DJ. I quickly
realized that it didn't require much thought for me to spin a record
and that people were more interested in the music than the DJ, so I
looked for something more. I moved back to New York to figure out what
role I wanted in terrestrial radio and eventually found myself as a
Radio Producer for talent like Joey Reynolds, Alan Colmes and Joan
Rivers.
In the interim I began working for a now defunct talk radio site called
eYada.com and the bosses gave me the late night show because I had
worked late nights seemingly all my life. I was disappointed at first
because I had wanted a more "normal" shift, but once I got involved in
the show, there was no going back. It was called "LoveBytes with Bob
Berkowitz," and all we did was interview people about sex. Experts,
real people, whoever wanted to talk about sex came on our show, and for
three hours, five days a week, we talked and talked and I learned a lot
about sex. I also did a show where people were always having sex, it
was called The Chaunce Hayden Show, but that's a place I try not to go
back to, although I loved, and still love Chaunce dearly.
By the time eYada went off the air, which was right before September
11th, I’d decided that sex was my calling, and I had been given a job
at Babeland (formerly Toys in Babeland) where I became a sex educator
selling sex toys. It was the best consumer job I could ever wish for.
And that's also when I started going for my masters. I realized radio
couldn't guarantee me a forever career and I wanted some backup. I
eventually made it back to radio and that's where I felt like a sell
out, because I began working for a man whose beliefs didn't mesh with
mine. Around the time I was looking to quit, I got a lucky break, when
the former editor of Playgirl Magazine, Michele Zipp, offered me a
column in the magazine. I still write the sex advice column for them.
From there I started writing for Chaunce at Steppin' Out Magazine, and
later on The Philly Edge. Plus, I began doing more work with Playgirl
TV.
But the best thing that came out of all of it was I befriended Candida Royalle and we began working together. She also put me on the board of Feminists for Free Expression and now I'm their president!
EZ: Who else has influenced or inspired you?
JW: Candida Royalle has probably been my biggest influence and
inspiration to date. She's more like a mentor to me, because she was
totally proactive in making change. She's a smart, sexy and
professional business woman who didn't like the way adult movies were
being made, so she created her own line of couples’ erotica. Now it's
the premier line of couples’ videos. More consumers associate her with
that market than anyone else. I love that I get the chance to be
friends with—and work with—her and that she's in my life, and she
believes in me. It's nice to have someone believe in you. Y'know?
My other inspirations include lots of women who paved the way for me in
this industry. Women like Betty Dodson, Carol Queen and Sheri Hite.
Susie Bright and Annie Sprinkle. And women who are doing it now, with
me. Women like Ducky Doolittle and Violet Blue. Women who aren't afraid
to be punk rock and positive. Women who aren't afraid to talk about
sex.
Of course my mother and grandmother also influenced me. They made me
see that I had to make my own decisions and determine the course of my
own life. And that's what I feel like I'm doing.
EZ: You've been traveling to present your seminars. What's it like to be the visiting sexpert?
JW: Being a sexpert makes me uncomfortable at times. I like to tell the
people who come to my seminars that I'm a sexplorer, someone who's
constantly exploring the terrain of sex. Expert is such an
authoritative word and, at 31, I feel like I have lots more room to
grow. It's always fun and I love that people are coming specifically to
talk with me; that's nice but it's also a bit stressful at times. I'm
always asking myself what it is that they are expecting to learn and am
I fulfilling their needs. I sometimes think as a sexplorer, people
think you know everything there is to know about sex, but sexuality is
about continuously learning new things about yourself and your body,
and so each seminar challenges me to think a bit more about sex. But
all in all I like the honesty and emotion I bring out in people when it
comes to talking with them about sex. I like that people trust me and
tell me things they haven't shared with their best friends and that
they come to me because they feel safe.
EZ: What's the most common misconception about sex these days?
JW: Wow. I think that it's that all women take charge of their
sexuality at a certain age. I think it's that all women have
experienced orgasm or that a lot of women know and are comfortable with
their bodies. I don't think that's true. I think women were talking a
lot more about sex when Sex and the City was a Sunday night ritual.
Now, sex is a bit more hush hush again. I also think it's a
misconception that men are always comfortable with sex. That they know
how to be a stud. Men have questions. They want to talk with people
too, they just don't know how to do it and still look manly.
EZ: I was surprised while watching that new HBO comedy Lucky Louie last
night. He and his wife are having sex and she experiences her first
orgasm—at 37! I couldn't believe it. Are there REALLY women out there
who this is true for?
JW: Ah. Lucky Louie. I haven't watched it yet, but my aunt is the first
AD on that show, so keep watching, I want it to get picked up for
another season! But yes, ironically I think that it's a common
misconception that women are comfortable in their own bodies and know
their own bodies by a certain age. I talked with a 29-year-old woman
recently who wasn't sure where her clitoris was. And lots of women ask
me how they know they've had an orgasm. That makes me wonder if they've
had one too. It's not that all orgasms are the be all end all, but the
first time I had one, I was sure I had one.
EZ: You're the president of Feminists for Free Expression, an
organization that deals with free speech as it pertains to women. Are
there any current political situations that frighten you?
JW: I think that there’s some scary censorship going on. In Brooklyn,
New York, just last month, city officials closed down the Brooklyn
College graduate students’ "Plan B" art show after deeming some of the
art not "family friendly." It was part of a final thesis project for 18
masters of fine art students, and it only opened one day before it was
closed down. How's that for censorship?
Of course, I think we have a lot to be concerned about with the war in
Iraq and what we're not being told, but I don't know how much we'll
ever know. And then there's the freedom to have an abortion, the
freedom of choice around that. And the freedom to learn comprehensive
sexuality education instead of teaching abstinence only education,
that's a form of censorship that's happening at a majority of public
schools today. That's crazy scary.
EZ: You're working on a book. Tell us about what to expect.
JW: The book is coming out in 2007, and it's being put out by Quiver
which is an imprint of Rockport Publishing. It's called Women Loving
Women and it's about women's sexual experiences with other women.
What's cool about this book is that it's geared towards women who don't
identify as lesbian or bisexual. It's a book for "straight" women who
have fantasized about experimenting. Maybe they've done it, maybe they
haven't, but this is a book that will talk about why it's okay to do it
and how. I've come up with some pretty racy chapter titles and Quiver's
been great about everything so far. I'm really excited to write this
book, especially because it strikes a chord with me. Growing up I
didn't know how to deal with my same sex experiences and I had a long
same sex relationship at a young age. I thought I was wrong or dirty
and I hated myself. I now laugh at how hip it is to be open to
experimenting, while I also remind myself that it's hot to be two women
who have sex, but the general public still has a hard time accepting
two men. That kind of pisses me off.
EZ: So do you consider yourself bi? How has your sexuality changed over the past few years?
JW: I hate the label bisexual. I think it sounds like a disease. It's
sort of a stigmatized thing. My first paper for my masters was called
"The Bisexual Agenda." It was about other people's perceptions around
the term. Lots of straight people think that if you're bisexual, you're
experimenting, and gay people think that you're refusing to come out of
the closet. I think that's changing now, but I still hate the term.
I prefer to say I'm try-sexual; I'll try almost anything once.
Sexuality is fluid, meaning it's constantly in flux and changing. I had
a really long relationship—nine years—with a really straight-laced man
and when we broke up he said, "My friends all think you're a lesbian,
why don't you go find out." And so that's what I did. I went back to my
roots and explored the possibilities of being with both men and women.
I'm currently in a monogamous relationship with a beautiful and loving
man, but I don't believe I can only love men. I think I'm more prone to
fall in love with a person, and they might be male and they might be
female. He just happens to have a penis this time around.
EZ: You also write a column for Steppin' Out. What sort of topics do you cover?
JW: In my Steppin' Out and Philly Edge columns I cover all sorts of
topics. From good porn that's out there to how to have a threesome, to
does the size of her vagina matter. I try to find something new even
about the same old, same old. I've been writing about sex and dating
for years, so things span the gamut. When I was single and actively
dating my column tended to focus on my sexual escapades. Now, as my
relationship develops I incorporate more people and their stories into
my articles. I wrote a column about embarrassing sex stories the other
week and that one made me smile. I love hearing other people's stories
and relating them to mine. It's nice for people to realize they're not
alone in their sexual experiences, even if they are alone when having
that particular experience.
EZ: And you're a devoted blogger. What kind of feedback do you get?
JW: I get lots of feedback from everywhere. I get just as much feedback
from my blogs as I do from my podcasts, which you can also find on my
site, www.jamyewaxman.com <http://www.jamyewaxman.com/> or
through www.playgirltv.com <http://www.playgirltv.com/>. I get
people telling me that they admire what I do, people asking advice,
people asking me out. I don't get lots of hate mail, but maybe that's
because it's hard to hate me. And yes, that's sarcasm you don't sense!
EZ: And to round you out as a total renaissance smutmeister, you just
wrapped on a Candida Royalle movie you produced. What was that like?
JW: Ah. So much fun and so much work. I didn't just produce it, I
co-wrote it and took the largest non-sex role in the movie. It's called
"Under the Covers" and it's going to be released at the end of
September. I get a caning in it and everybody gets to see my stark
white ass; let me tell you it's white. We were looking at pictures the
other day and someone said, "Whose white ass is that?" and I proudly
answered "Mine." It's a sex comedy. I'm really proud of it. I came up
with some of the characters when flying on a plane last January. But it
was totally a joint collaboration and it got Candida writing. It was
her first movie in four years! I'm happy to have helped her get back
into the director's seat.
But it was also challenging. When an actress quits the morning of a
shoot and you're an actress and producer that day, you have to switch
caps constantly. It was hard, long days, but I'd do it again in a
heartbeat. My favorite video memory is going to be on the Behind the
Scenes. I'm sitting in a room where four people are having sex and I'm
looking straight into the camera talking about how upset I am that
we're going into overtime. You can hear the moans and grunts in the
background and all I care about is what time it is. Beautiful. To me,
that's as hysterical as it gets.
EZ: Any film projects in the works?
JW: Yeah. I'm working on a few things, but what I'm totally excited
about is that after this last film, Candida Royalle is going to have me
direct under the Femme Line! I already have two movie ideas in the
works, and keep thinking up new, fun stories. I'm totally stoked to do
this. I'm going to shoot my first film early next year.
EZ: And what else is in the future for you?
JW: I'm working on a line of how to books that aren't preachy and don't
even feel like how to books. I'm also working on the next line of films
that I'll direct for Candida. And I'm working on one other project that
will hopefully provide me another video outlet. I want to take my blog
and podcasts to another level and work with my boyfriend to combine
sexuality and spirituality. He's already doing spirituality stuff on Souldish.com. And I hope to continue writing and teaching classes both for myself and for Moxieinthecity.net.
And I'd love to be lecturing more. I'm also hoping to win the AVN award
for Best Non-Sex Performance this year, cause I think I'm a pretty good
actress, and my ass deserves an award. [laughs]
[Written June 2006]
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