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Archival Abby
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Jack Hammer Johnson (Renamed FantasyGlide)
Fun on a Stick!
The AEE convention is a mind-boggling array of porn babes and new video
releases, swagalicious stickers and t-shirts and every sex toy you’ve
ever seen in your life. Yawn. Believe it or not, it can get old. But
when I saw the Jack Hammer Johnson, I was intrigued! It immediately
struck me as a smart little invention that, if it worked as promised,
would indeed be amazing. In fact, the last time I was testing an
insertion device, I actually thought to myself, wouldn’t it be nice to
have some sort of gizmo that might make it easier? Something to augment
the old in-out? Well here it is!
The Jack Hammer Johnson is an ingenious contraption You attach the sex
toy of your choice: vibrator or dildo, rabbit or pearl, cheap-o plastic
piece o’ crap or expensive imported Cadillac of fake cocks, it’s up to
you; the Johnson is merely a delivery device. You can use it with just
one armature and one toy for your own pleasure or up to four armatures,
making it a group effort. Of course, the somewhat unfortunate
porneriffic name of this product might scare off less sex toy
sophisticated women—its assumed target market. Hmm…
Okay, so my Johnson arrived in the mail and I was eager to whip it out
and jump on it. When I got the box open, though, it required assembly.
Oh boy…I’m no wizard at putting things together. But this was easy as
pie. Heh-heh. And attaching the handle and armature to accommodate my
height was, in its own way, a form or foreplay! By the time I had it
all ready to go, I was wet with excitement! Whoo-hoo!
Their accompanying User Guide gives complete assembly instructions and
19 separate illustrations of suggested positions, which depict both men
and women utilizing the contraption. I think the best line in the whole
self-evident (but no doubt legally necessary in our litigious society)
booklet is “Always use common sense when masturbating.” Like, duh! Of
course there’s always an idiot in the bunch…but I digress.
There are two different ways to attach your sex toys, either by popping
it onto a peg, if your dildo is one of those silicone types with a hole
in the base, or fitting it into the cup, if you’ll be using a vibrator.
Of course, there will be toys that can’t be accommodated. I was a bit
disappointed that my God’s Immaculate Rod didn’t have a hole to fit
onto the peg and the base was too big for the cup. Sigh. But I did have
my Nubby G from Babeland that I recently reviewed. That would have to
do.
Well, let me tell you! It was a whole new experience! First of all, the
Jack Hammer worked just as I’d envisioned! By pressing gently on the
“passion grip,” the gizmo bounced up and down delightfully and,
consequently, the attached Nubby G slid in and out even more
delightfully! Fast or slow, this is the most effortless way to move a
sex toy in and out of your orifice that’s ever been designed! The fact
that my Nubby G was vibrating only added to my enjoyment, but the best
part, perhaps, was the heretofore unappreciated “nubby ring,” which
bumped up against my clit with every, um, bounce. I will say here and
now that this was my first simultaneous vaginal insertion
in-and-out/clitoral stimulation orgasm! (Wouldn’t Betty Dodson be
proud?) And I’m not talking about holding still with something stuffed
inside your twat vaginal insertion; I’m talkin’ in and out! All with
the slightest pressure on that “passion grip.”
My next step is to take this magical bouncy toy to one of my sex
parties and test it out on more than one masturbator at a time. See,
the wonderful folks at Fantasy Line Toys were kind enough to include
two armatures—what they call a cradle support arm—in my package, so I
can quite easily make my Jack Hammer Johnson a tandem affair. Perhaps
that can be a completely separate review!
So yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to go waaay out on a limb—or
should I say armature?— and say this is the best sex toy ever invented!
I give the Jack Hammer Johnson a two dildos waaaay up endorsement! Now,
if they could just come up with a slightly less threatening name…
Buy yourself a Fantasy Glide at www.fantasylinetoys.com.
[Written Feb. 2006]
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