Editrix Abby |
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Girls On FilmHardcoreStarring: Nina Ferrari, Nicole Sheridan, Maya Devine, Gina Ryder, Chenin Blanc, Brandy, Isabella, Kiana, Linda, Melody, Faith, Hannah Harper, Billy Glide and a few uncredited cocksmen.Directed by Caesar Bonobo Will Appeal To: Those with an appreciation for pretty porn, smut mag subscribers, wanna be photographers. From:Platinum Blue Productions 2006 The premise with Platinum Blue Productions' release Girls On Film is that photographer Scott St. James gets to shoot hot babes for porn mags and he loves his job. You get to accompany him on his shoots and watch as readers’ fantasies become realities. In other words, the set-up is already somewhat of a porn cliché. Horny nurses, half-naked stewardesses – oops, sorry…flight attendants – the obligatory “lesbian” scene: it all adds up to porn shots and come shots. Okay, this is a dangerous situation to be in. Ask a friend for a few of his videos to review. But then…what if they fail to, er, move me? Of the two I took home, one was old news and that was, of course, the one that I’d found appealing; it looked like a comedy with a plot, and I do so love to chuckle while jerking off. Who doesn’t? The other looked like formulaic stuff and guess which one I wound up reviewing? That’s right. Formulaic, coming right up! But, ever the optimist – and a snatch half-full kinda gal – I did, indeed, find scenes worthy of wanking. Throughout the film, the emphasis is on the stills, with lots of quick edits and intercuts. You get the feel of being on a photo shoot, but I’m not sure if everyone will find that easy to jerk off to. Perhaps this could be considered warm-up porn. It warmed me up, but then I’m a bit of an easy mark when it comes to on-screen screwing. The only thing missing for me was the moaning; most of it was drowned out by the better-than-average soundtrack. In scene one, Nina Ferrari is paired with Billy Glide for the usual suck, lick, screw. She’s hot, he’s hung, so what’s new? Next! I was more inspired by the four hot nurses: Ryder, Blanc, Devine and Sheridan. They’re in ass-grazing white PVC with matching hats and that’s pretty much enough for me. But of course they quadruple-team a sorry-ass “patient” who’s been diagnosed with a permanent boner. Ah, men should be so lucky! My mouth really began to water for scene three, starring the adorable Brandy. She’s a fine girl! (Okay, bad 70s musical reference.) Seriously, she’s got great hair and amazing boobs! REAL boobs! That right there is enough for me. When she bats her big doe eyes at the camera, well, she’s worth the price of admission. Sure, she winds up in the standard assortment of positions – including a saucy 69 – and eventually takes an enormous spooge half up her nose, down her face and over her tits. But she looks damn hot doin’ it! I couldn’t help myself with that nostril shot. Insert your own crass cocaine reference here! The aforementioned obligatory girl-girl scene was the biggest groaner for me (as they usually are). St. James is shooting Kiana for a big tit mag and you know what that means. Yup, big fake tits. And it ain’t pretty. Fortunately she’s partnered with Isabella, who IS pretty. They’re in a bubble bath – another classic fantasy – but what they’re engaging is anything but “hot lesbian action.” Their kisses are the worst “lesbian” kisses ever filmed! When they whip out (in?) a double dong, however, things heat up. And when the action moves to the shower and incorporates a hand-held shower nozzle, well, wheeeeee! Isabella’s boobies are so distractingly divine they more than make up for the scars on Kiana’s. Plus her nickel-sized nipples will have you hypnotized. Nice! Scene five gets sandwiched between two preferable scenarios: psychologist Linda has our previous permanent boner sufferer on her couch and this time his problem is a sexual addiction. As you’d expect with such a fantasy, the doc gets dicked by her libidinous patient. Fast-forward to the final scene, which features three steamin’ stewardesses. I mean flight attendants! Melody, Faith and Hannah Harper offer way more than coffee or tea to Ben English, the luckiest business class passenger ever. There’s something about this scene – beyond the clichéd fantasy scenario – that’s genuinely sexy. Maybe it’s the 70s jumbo jet set or the preposterous costumes; certainly the white patent stilettos are a total crack-up. Or maybe the concept of fucking in flight is still an irresistible turn-on, despite decades of mile-high club punch lines. Whatever, it works, and the four fuck in all manner of configurations before Mr. English spews his limey load all over the stews’ boobs. Whew! All in all, this is what I’d call “pretty porn.” It’s not all gauzy-lensed and dreamy, like Michael Ninn’s movies, but it is lovely to look at. Well lit, creatively shot and interestingly edited, at least the standard smut is presented in a fresh, new way. I’d love to see what Caesar would do with a budget for his own creations. Let’s hope we get to see that soon! [Written April 2007] |
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