|
News
&
Events
Words
Images
Links
Archival Abby
Abby's Bio
|
Dirty Dozen Gift Guide
12 Days of Ho-Ho-Holiday Gift Ideas!
Ah, the holidays. If you can get beyond the relentless commercials and
exhortations to be of good cheer, you may be able to reflect upon
memories of simpler times…of writing to Santa with a list of all the
toys and games you just HAD to have. There’s no need for this time of
year to be a whole lot different for you as an adult, though you may
have new, more grown-up desires. Here are a dozen gift ideas for the 12
days of Christmas, all inspired by those simpler times.
Cunt Coloring Book
I have a special place in my, um, heart for the word cunt, so I love
this fabulously retro coloring book, full of vulvas in all their glory,
illustrated by Tee Corinne. Whip out your crayons or magic markers and
color the cunts in every unlikely shade of the rainbow. Or use your
colored pencils for a more realistic look in gradated shades of pinks
and mauves. Either way, the mere act of using a coloring book will take
you back in time. For those of you who enjoy going “outside the lines,”
you can add your own toys, penises or magic dragons poised beside the
pussies!
Kama Sutra Sticker Book
Everyone loves stickers, whether you slap ‘em onto your binder, your
bumper or your iBook. Here’s a decidedly adult take on the joy of
sticking, a book that’s not only an introduction to the Kama Sutra,
with 20 basic positions, but 80 reusable stickers to personalize the
pages. Rapture Ratings and Cosmic Connections are for labeling the
positions you enjoy the most. All we can say is, “Ommm, when are they
gonna come out with Volume II?”
Sensual Being’s Sex Blanket
We’re all familiar with Linus of Peanuts fame and his beloved blanket.
There are probably a few of us who had blankies of our own. In fact, I
admit to still enjoying the feel of satin ribbon-trimmed blankets,
rubbing them between my fingers or against my cheek. But I digress. A
few months back I reviewed Sensual Beings’ yummy sex sheet
[http://eroszine.com/articles/2007-07-24/sensual_sheet0724/] and I have
an update for you folks: the amazing product made it not only through
all my “normal” user-not-so-friendly tortures, it survived a full month
on “the playa” and the brutal dust storms of Burning Man 2007. Now
that’s some serious stress testing! Give the gift of waterproof luxury,
a cozy quilted blanket for both curling up in front of the fireplace
AND throwing down for some hot and heavy sex action. Guaranteed to
inspire holiday lust!
Jingle Jugs
I’ve always found toys like Tickle Me Elmo oddly appealing in the
“Hmmm, wouldn’t that make a great vibrator?” kind of way. So when I saw
this hilarious item in AVN’s Novelty issue, I had to share it. You can
order their off the rack rack that plays the pre-recorded ditty Titties
& Beer in its motion activated mode or you can spring for their
DDDeluxe edition that allows you to record your own message or jingle
AND responds to external music as well as movement. Here’s an adult toy
that you can actually buy for your father without causing TOO much
scandalous embarrassment!
Skin Graft Designs
Remember when your pockets were stuffed full of secret treasures:
marbles and bubblegum and plastic toy soldiers and firecrackers? You
probably don’t have room in your slacks for such items anymore and
seeing these things spilling out of your briefcase might raise a few
eyebrows. Thankfully, the clever artists of Skin Graft Designs have a
whole line of leather packs and pockets that seem specifically crafted
for the modern day urban warrior. Like gun holsters, their bags are
slung close to the body, becoming almost a part of you. And if all you
do is window shop on their web site, you’ll find such a stunning
selection of sexy models that looking alone might, um, satisfy.
Poop Culture
There’s something uber sophomoric about potty humor; elementary school
kids never cease to get the giggles from all those toilet-centric
words. So when I spotted this semi-serious tome on the topic of, uh,
shit, I couldn’t resist including it here. Poop Culture: How America Is
Shaped By Its Grossest National Product, published by our old friends
at Feral House, contains the enlightening history of poop and all kinds
of interesting tidbits to do with doo-doo. Written by Dave Praeger,
with a foreword by Paul Provenza, director of The Aristocrats, your
friends will positively plotz upon receiving it! The promo copy for the
book is as hilarious as the title: “This book is not a history of poop,
but a study of today. Its goal is to understand how poop affects us,
how we view it, and why; to appreciate its impact from the moment it
slides out of our anal sphincters to the moment it enters the sewage
treatment plant; to explore how we’ve arrived at this strange
discomfort and confusion about a natural product of our bodies; to see
how this contradiction—the natural as unnatural—shapes our minds,
relationships, environment, culture, economics, media and art.”
Um, okay! But no matter how you slice it (squeeze it?), it’s still a
silly book about shit!
Lamia Designs
There might’ve been a day when your gloves were strung through your
coat sleeves by a long strand of yarn to keep you from losing them;
sometimes I wish mine still were. How often have I lost a glove on the
subway or in a cab? Well, you might not want to regress quite that far
with your hand fashions, though you certainly wouldn’t want to lose one
of the fabulously fashionable designs by Lamia. She uses luxurious
leather in a kaleidoscope of colors to craft fingerless gloves that
look more like gauntlets, perfect for the Xena in every one of us!
2008 Pin-Up Calendar: The Lovely Mistresses of George W. Bush
Did you ever cross off the days of school left before spring break or
summer vacation? Perhaps your calendar had kittens or dinosaurs or
cartoon characters. If you’d like a playfully adult update to keeping
track of dates, check out New York-based photographer Burke Heffner’s
2008 Pin-Up Calendar, The Lovely Mistresses of George W. Bush. Burke
has captured a baker’s dozen of tongue in cheek fictional presidential
mistresses, starring a few familiar faces. With this delightfully
retro calendar it’ll be a pleasure to count down the days before your
next extravagant vacation or hope for a snow day!
Hello Kitty Vibrators
Okay, so this item may not be quite as far removed from a childhood
wish list as some of the others, but what an adorable addition to your
sexy Santa stockings! On this particular web site I found a complete
set of rainbowerrific colors—red, orange, yellow, green, blue and
pink—for less thank $100! You can buy all six, give five away and keep
one for yourself! Now that’s thinkin’! The darling feline is dressed in
a horse costume, a “kigurumi,” or full head and body ensemble, for you
Japanofile aficionados, with seven little studs on the base perfect for
making you purr. Each comes with a keychain attached, so you can
announce your Hello Kitty sex toy fetish to the entire world by hanging
it on your purse or backpack. Meow!
“Sex & Money”
Ted Nemeth creates stunning custom-made leather accessories and
furniture. My favorite is his beautifully obscene Victorian Ovalback
Chair that he’s entitled “Sex & Money.” Look closely at the printed
leather upholstery and you’ll see why. Imagine the look on your guests’
faces when they go to take a seat. Definitely NOT for the bridge club!
Penis Straws & Other Raunchy Ri-DICK-ulousness
When you’re scrambling for last minute gift ideas, you can click on
BacheloretteParty.com for all kinds of silly stocking stuffers. Their
penis sippy straws remind me of those crazy straws I used to enjoy as a
kid and they come in bendy or glow-in-the-dark styles as well as plain
ol’ skin tone pricks. Personally, I love the idea of mixing high
hilarity with anything that makes me think about blowjobs! They’ve also
got plenty of other penis-centric accessories, like Pecker Party Ware
(plastic penis knives, forks and spoons) and paper plates. Har, har,
hard!
Wondrous Vulva Puppet
Dorrie Lane’s elegant hand puppets are made of the most luxurious
satins and velvets and have been used by midwives and sex educators to
“explain anatomy, touch and response, safe sex technique, erogenous
zones and the story of birth.” I’ve seen them onstage with Annie
Sprinkle and many other erotic performers, sexual healers and members
of the cultural cliterati. Heaven knows what kind of drama you could
play out with a set of these, but shouldn’t everyone who’s a child at
heart have their very own Vulva Puppet? You might even be inspired to
pet your pussy with this pussy puppet!
Candy Cane Dildo
The last little confection I’ll recommend for your holiday shopping
pleasure is a gorgeous glass dildo that could double as a decoration.
It looks like the real thing—the real thing being a candy cane, of
course!—so no one will even know it was designed for diddling yourself
with. Ho ho ho!
[Written Dec. 2007]
|